A simple instrumental version of Eleanor Rigby. Unfortunately my webcams microphone sucks!
Saturday 12 March 2011
Wednesday 2 March 2011
Thoughts about a gay daughter.
My daughter read this blog the other day (I'm glad someone did!) and was disappointed she wasnt mentioned. I promised i would rectify the situation and suggested I should share my thoughts on her coming out; so here goes.
I guess the only sign I might have picked up on was that she never had a boyfriend, plenty of boys who were friends, but never anyone special. I know all dads think their daughters are beautiful, but even allowing for that I didnt see why she hadnt found anyone. I didnt know whether to be worried or relieved!
At one point she was attending a local evangelical church with a friend. One afternoon we were watching 'Will and Grace' and I commented that the church she was going to probably wouldnt approve of it because of the gay characters.
"But people are born that way, how can it be wrong?" she asked
"I know its silly, but because it says it somewhere in the Bible they think its true"
A couple of weeks later civil partnerships were legalised and that Sunday she came home and said "You were right, they started going on about the 'great sin' that Elton John had committed. Its lucky they couldnt see my face!"
I think that was the last time she went to church.
It was some time later when she was at college that we found out what was going on.
I got home from a late shift one evening and She came downstairs, obviously distressed about something. Elaine and I assumed that maybe something had happened with one of her friends. Once, when one had been taken into care she was very upset and the way she was acting seemed similar.
"Why is this so hard?" she asked as we tried to get her to tell us what was on her mind.
"Maybe you could try Charades?" I suggested
"Dad, there's not an appropriate mime for it!"
She took a deep breath and said,
"I'm gay"
I, of course did what any supportive, liberal dad would do in this situation, I laughed! In my defense we had had this joke before and I assumed this was the ice breaker before she admitted she was pregnant, an addict, a creationist or tory; or whatever horror she could have been hiding.
"No dad, I'm serious, I'm gay"
I must admit, it took a couple of minutes to take it in. Life had suddenly changed for us. I'm glad to say I wasn't upset or disappointed. I loved her just as much as I ever did but, but the information still took a little processing.
The three of us sat on the settee and chatted about it.
"How long have you known?"
"The last year for definite, but I think I always knew"
"You could have told us before, you know we wouldn't have been upset"
"I know, but its difficult"
"I got this tattoo because I love you" said Elaine, indicating the flower fairy she had recently had done "and I still do"
"Yes" I said "I'll get the brillo pads and bleach!"
"Is this my fault because it was me that got you watching Xena?" I inquired.
It was a relief that we could joke about it!
The hardest part was not being able to tell anyone else, only her closest friends knew at this point and she wasnt ready for anyone else to know.
Thankfully this changed after we went away for a weekend and she had the house to herself and held a party. She finally got the courage to tell all her friends and was relieved to find none of them were worried by it. We were then able to tell her grandparents and the rest of the family. Thankfully, no one was phased by the revelation and all have been supportive.
This was a couple of years ago and now its so much a part of our lives that we rarely comment on it. She is at Uni now with her girlfriend and I think the social seen up there has helped her to come to terms with herself.
One thing that did surprise her was that one of the first theology students she met is a lesbian, I think that was a bit of an eye opener for her!
The only time I get annoyed is when I hear of people trying to use their religion to justify their prejudices and I shudder to think of what it must be like for a gay person brought up in a family that holds homophobic views.
It seems that attitudes are changing for the better in this country, I hope it continues.
I guess the only sign I might have picked up on was that she never had a boyfriend, plenty of boys who were friends, but never anyone special. I know all dads think their daughters are beautiful, but even allowing for that I didnt see why she hadnt found anyone. I didnt know whether to be worried or relieved!
At one point she was attending a local evangelical church with a friend. One afternoon we were watching 'Will and Grace' and I commented that the church she was going to probably wouldnt approve of it because of the gay characters.
"But people are born that way, how can it be wrong?" she asked
"I know its silly, but because it says it somewhere in the Bible they think its true"
A couple of weeks later civil partnerships were legalised and that Sunday she came home and said "You were right, they started going on about the 'great sin' that Elton John had committed. Its lucky they couldnt see my face!"
I think that was the last time she went to church.
It was some time later when she was at college that we found out what was going on.
I got home from a late shift one evening and She came downstairs, obviously distressed about something. Elaine and I assumed that maybe something had happened with one of her friends. Once, when one had been taken into care she was very upset and the way she was acting seemed similar.
"Why is this so hard?" she asked as we tried to get her to tell us what was on her mind.
"Maybe you could try Charades?" I suggested
"Dad, there's not an appropriate mime for it!"
She took a deep breath and said,
"I'm gay"
I, of course did what any supportive, liberal dad would do in this situation, I laughed! In my defense we had had this joke before and I assumed this was the ice breaker before she admitted she was pregnant, an addict, a creationist or tory; or whatever horror she could have been hiding.
"No dad, I'm serious, I'm gay"
I must admit, it took a couple of minutes to take it in. Life had suddenly changed for us. I'm glad to say I wasn't upset or disappointed. I loved her just as much as I ever did but, but the information still took a little processing.
The three of us sat on the settee and chatted about it.
"How long have you known?"
"The last year for definite, but I think I always knew"
"You could have told us before, you know we wouldn't have been upset"
"I know, but its difficult"
"I got this tattoo because I love you" said Elaine, indicating the flower fairy she had recently had done "and I still do"
"Yes" I said "I'll get the brillo pads and bleach!"
"Is this my fault because it was me that got you watching Xena?" I inquired.
It was a relief that we could joke about it!
The hardest part was not being able to tell anyone else, only her closest friends knew at this point and she wasnt ready for anyone else to know.
Thankfully this changed after we went away for a weekend and she had the house to herself and held a party. She finally got the courage to tell all her friends and was relieved to find none of them were worried by it. We were then able to tell her grandparents and the rest of the family. Thankfully, no one was phased by the revelation and all have been supportive.
This was a couple of years ago and now its so much a part of our lives that we rarely comment on it. She is at Uni now with her girlfriend and I think the social seen up there has helped her to come to terms with herself.
One thing that did surprise her was that one of the first theology students she met is a lesbian, I think that was a bit of an eye opener for her!
The only time I get annoyed is when I hear of people trying to use their religion to justify their prejudices and I shudder to think of what it must be like for a gay person brought up in a family that holds homophobic views.
It seems that attitudes are changing for the better in this country, I hope it continues.
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